nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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