So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
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Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
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I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?