I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
I hate when you're right.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high