My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
