I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
