If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
