I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
