dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
