Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
