my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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