I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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