I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
