you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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