our cab driver is having phone sex.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
