My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I don't deserve a penis
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
