Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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