I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Randomize
