I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
