Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
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