TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
