Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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