So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
