Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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