yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
