Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
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