how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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