Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
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