I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
