Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
