You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
