y did u give ur computer a hand job?
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
