turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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