I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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