hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
