you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
