I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
