my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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