I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
