we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
