I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Randomize
