Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
