Umm I'm too high to move.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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