Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
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Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
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You brought string cheese to the strip club
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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