DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
