We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I'm always down for nudity.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
