she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
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also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
We don't watch enough power rangers
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
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She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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