Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
