The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
