They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
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