This dress was meant to end up on your floor
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
