if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
