my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
