I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
