I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
