Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
