He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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