So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
just tell him i said nine months
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
