Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
